I have become what I’ve always wanted to be, Madam Serenity. Worries, hardship, strife are things of the past. Serenity has finally descended upon me. Precisely at 4.49 pm two days ago, when with a push of the button I released Peirene Title No 1 to the bookshops and the wide world.

I knew this moment would come but I didn’t realize it would be so soon, until I received an email from Bill, the Distributor Man. “When do you want us to release your first title, Meike?” I emailed him straight back, informing him graciously – because after all how could he forget the world-changing date - that publication is not until 4th of February. Yes, he replied, he therefore advises me strongly to release the book now. The bookshops need to receive it in good time. But, but but …, my anxiety level was raising as I send back my response, doesn’t that mean some bookshops will start selling it early, ignoring the date I have carved in stone all those months ago. Some surely will, he instructed me patiently, but that’s absolutely normal and unavoidable. I then sent an email to a trusted colleague requesting approval for what I was about to do. Is that the way it is done in publishing land? I needed reassurance. Absolutely, he confirmed, release date of the book is 3 to 4 weeks prior to sale’s date.

So for a moment I sat very still, reflecting on the magnitude of the deed. Then I pushed the button. Ok, lets do it. So Peirene is now released, unleashed upon the wide big world. And surely the world will never be the same again.

Afterwards that day I continued work as normal and it wasn’t until the following morning that I realized something had changed inside me. Somehow nothing seemed urgent any longer. I was – I am – utterly calm. Serene. My job done, Peirene out there, perhaps it’ll sell, perhaps it won’t, the outcome shrouded in utter mystery. All I can do now is wait and observe. I made myself tea and lit a few candles. Meet the new me.

PS  Actually, let’s hope I will be through with this new-me business quickly. Because otherwise Peirene Title No 2 will never see the light of day. And that, trust me, would be a pity.

Tomorrow I will receive a big parcel – the advance copies of Peirene Title No 1, the rest will go straight to the warehouse. I should be excited, shouldn’t I? And infact I shouldn’t write this week’s blog today but tomorrow, to tell you all about the first ever proper Peirene book. But I don’t want to. I am eaten up by anxiety, that I will open the box and find – a disaster, an ugly monster. The cover awful, the text full of mistakes, the whole book unsalable, unreadable, an embarrassment. I really don’t want to look at the finished product.

I am good at jumping into deep cold water head first. I love it. Adrenalin rushes through my veins, I kick hard, I come up, I snort with laughter. Wonderful! Why isn’t everybody, the whole world doing it, I wonder. Same feeling when I started with Peirene – wow I am setting up a publishing house – name found, company registered, first two titles acquired – easy peasy - strange that not more people set up their own little business, their own little one-woman-show. It took me a while to see clearly – deep waters are murky after all – to understand why this isn’t everybody’s idea of fun, why other humans endowed with a better instinct to safeguard their comfort zones don’t have the faintest desire to do what I am doing. It’s the fear of having the sole and ultimate responsibility that scares the sensible creature away. Hey but not me. Oh no I jump right in, head first. And here I am now and my main occupation seems to be to nurse my own little pathetic angst, holding it, stroking it, calming it down. Tomorrow, when I will see that big box in my hallway, angst will be even bigger – and I just want to give myself the option of not opening it; of just letting it sit there, under the staircase. Perhaps until Monday.